“The dead have highways.”
This is a cryptic line from the opening of Clive Barker’s seminal short story collection The Books of Blood, and it sets the tone for a series of stories ranging from the unnerving all the way to the grotesque and taboo.
Unfortunately, Hulu’s adaptation Books of Blood doesn’t know about these aforementioned highways, and it instead meanders through endless back roads.
I’m not a fan of this adaptation. Nope, not one bit.
In fact, I’d go as far as to say the writer-director Brannon Braga likely hasn’t read a single Clive Barker story in his life. I’d be surprised if he’s ever seen a horror movie, since he sure as hell doesn’t know how to structure one.
For one thing, Braga’s adaptation starts off slow and doesn’t become even vaguely interesting until an hour into the affair. The first story (apparently co-written by Clive Barker…though I’m skeptical) was the poorest effort imaginable to grab viewers’ attention. Although the actors are, for the most part, very good, the stories are rarely anything more than a watered-down version of Barker’s twisted imagination.
On top of that, Braga has no idea how to write dialogue. Granted, he could probably co-write a few subpar monologues for disposable characters in "The Walking Dead, be he seems to have never spoken to an actual human being. Every characters offers up their backstory in a long-winded and unsolicited monologue, and they tell each other things you’d probably never tell someone unless they were a true confidante.
The only story that was even remotely good was the middle story about a fake psychic who becomes a literal “book of blood” for hundreds of spirits who carve their stories into his flesh. This was the lead story in Barker’s collection, and it worked very well in short story form. Much like the 2009 adaptation Book of Blood, Hulu’s effort falls incredibly short of the genuine article. The only kudos I’ll give is to the makeup department who made the “book of blood” almost hard to look at.
Hulu has somehow managed to make the absolute worst Clive Barker adaptation to date…and that’s really saying something.
If Clive Barker was truly involved in this project, and if this wasn’t just something he took executive producer credit for in name only, then it’s also a terrible failure on his part. I don’t believe for a second he truly co-wrote any of these “original” stories. If anything, he gave Braga a tagline to work from and let him fuck off his merry way with mediocre story structure and a kindergartner’s idea of what constitutes horror.
The only thing scary about Hulu’s Books of Blood is the audacity of whoever greenlit it in the first place. Shame on you.
4/10
Throughout the month of October, I’ll be reviewing 31 movies I’ve never seen before. Is there an excellent movie you think I haven’t seen? Tell me in the comments below, and I’ll check it out!
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